New discoveries and murky reflections on an old self

As I was doing my daily blog perusal today, I stopped by Awkward is Awesome, a site I visit on a regular basis because I know one of the creators (Erin Hicks) and well, it’s awesome. One post mentioned and linked to a blog called the heartbroke daily. It centers around a guy named Knox Dupree who claims to fall in love too easily and suffers from “near constant heartbreak.” I’ve only had a chance to skim through different posts so far, but it deems promising. So, I’ve added it to my blogroll.

Dupree’s admission about falling in love too easily as well as a recent conversation I had with Wynn made me think about me and my penchant for falling in love. Or lack thereof, as it is. I’ve been single for more than two years and I’ve only come across four guys I’ve actually been interested in. Two of the guys, I did have a chance to talk to, hang out with and get to know but the other two were just based on looks since I did little more than introduce myself (I didn’t even talk to one of them). And seeing as how I’m still single, it goes without saying that nothing ever emerged with these four guys.

After considering all of this, I can’t help but wonder if I’m too picky when it comes to guys. Should I be more open-minded and well, nicer, if by the rare, rare, very rare chance a guy makes his interest known (that’s a whole other thing)?

This weekend opened my eyes to how mean I can be. I’m not going to go into specifics but I completely blew this guy off at a party and that’s not even exaggerating. I did all I could to avoid him to the point where I would literally just turn away if he tried to talk to me. I don’t think he was hitting on me or anything because I’m pretty sure the girl he came with was his girlfriend. But the thing is, he’s not the first guy I’ve done something like this to.

If I’m not interested in somebody but am still forced to be in their company, I will literally shut down. I won’t talk unless necessary (sometimes there will be a little bit of small talk, but not much); I avoid eye contact at all costs; and I physically remove myself from the situation as best I can.

What does this say about me?

I know I’m not the nicest person in the world. There are times when I can be a real bitch and I’ll admit to having some violent tendencies. There’s a reason why my friends call me the mean one.

But I don’t think I’ve always been like this.

How did I get this way? What the hell happened?

I always figured The One for me would be able to handle my occasional bitchiness just as I would able to handle his flaws. You know, that whole give and take, compromise thing that comes with a relationship. But what if some of my traits are un-handleable? What if I’m too much of a bitch? Should I make some personality adjustments or would I be compromising the integrity of who I am?

Hmm…I’m going to have to think about this.


6 comments on “New discoveries and murky reflections on an old self

  1. Helpful Dating Information Free…

  2. Helpful Dating Knowledge Free…

  3. Intelligent Dating Information…

  4. its interesting how this response in women is usually not even justified logically, its just is. I have come across reactions like this and the best thing for men to learn is not to take shit personally.

  5. Women are always supposed to be the adaptable one. The one that changes for the man. Don’t do it. There are few people like you out there. Don’t let them get to you too. Remember how unhappy I was??

  6. @ phoenix – I know this response isn’t justifiably logical. Like you say, it just is. I agree that guys shouldn’t take these things personally. It’s not like I have anything against them personally (sort of). I’m just not interested and figure it’s better to not lead them on.

    @ Wynn – Thanks for telling me not to change. I appreciate that you appreciate who I am. And yes, I do remember how unhappy you were. That’s one of the reasons why I’m hesitant to change.

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