Last week, NBC announced that it is considering moving “The Jay Leno Show” from prime time to late night. Jay would return to his old 11:35 p.m. time slot for half an hour and “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” would be at 12:05 a.m.
After discovering Conan only a few years ago, I have to admit he’s become my older man crush (he’s 46). Some may have thought 50-year-old Brian Williams filled that position, but he’s my anchorman crush.
So, huge Conan fan that I am (he may not have glasses, but he does have that awkward geekiness I love), I — like many others — was upset when I heard the news of his show possibly moving, him being taken off the air, leaving the network or any number of possibilities.
Needless to say, offers have been made:
- 3 real quarters, a shiney nickel, a metal beer sign, and a used pair of big puffy slippers with no scuff bottoms and NO mickey mouse insignia on the sides.
- $1000 dollars, but that’s not it. On top of the sweet cash I will also give you an unopened game entitled “1,000 Sex Games”, I’m sure that will keep you and you’r staff occupied until something new comes along, as well as a plate of your favorite type of cookies.
- One complete set of The Great Books of Western Civilization. Nothing missing here! Everything from The Iliad to Freud! Comes with its own shelf! (gently used)/Viny covered card table and 3 folding chairs (gently used)/Giant stuffed Kermit doll (could be useful for future Vomiting Kermit unless that’s the intellectual property of NBC) (roughly used by horny cat)/Operation board game. Could be a good way to pass the time until you get work again. *By the by, if you need some work pronto, my office is looking for temps. Lite filing.
Note: These were copied and pasted directly from craigslist. Any spelling or grammatical errors were made by the writers of the ads.
This got me thinking about what I could offer. Admittedly, not much. But I figured I’d give it a shot.
So Conan, here is my offer:
- A payment of $1,000 up front, followed by weekly payments of half my unemployment checks. Good through November or when I land a full-time job, whichever one comes first.
- The opportunity to do earn some extra money through freelance reporting for various Seattle-area publications. I’ll give you first pick at any stories that come my way.
- My entire collection of romance novels. If you don’t want them, your wife may enjoy them.
- My Barnes and Noble membership, valued at $25, good through November — and one additional year’s membership paid for afterwards, valued at $25. You’re on your own after that.
- My Borders Rewards card, valued at $0, but good for tons of discounts on a weekly basis I no longer have the physical card, but you can still use my email at the register.
- An electronic dartboard with a digital scorekeeper. Brand new, still in the original box.
To sweeten the deal, I will also:
- Allow you, Andy Richter and the Tonight Show Band to stay on the show if you so choose. Whether this means as host, writer, director, cameraman or crafts services, it doesn’t matter.
- Keep popular — and some of my favorite — segments such as Twitter Tracker, Celebrity Survey, In the Year 3000 and the Audiencey Awards.
There you have it. I don’t know if this will be enough for you to consider, Conan, but I do want to say no matter what you do or which offer you take, I’m rooting for you.
Good luck and go go Team Coco!